The moment my world changed

The thing about life changing moments is that you don't always see them
coming.

Whether it's a happy life changer, like winning the lotto, or a sad one like
the death of a loved one, the common thread is... you didn't necessarily
see it coming.

So was my diagnoses of Multiple Sclerosis.
I was 23 when my life was basically forever changed.

How I make my decisions, who I allow in my life, and how I see the future
all changed the day my doctor called and said "Naomi, you have MS"

I was hysterical and in tears of course. 1000000 questions flooded my mind.
First of which, strangely enough was "who will marry me now???"

Months of tests culminated in a diagnoses I never expected. I was now
afflicted with a disease I knew very little about.

MS??? Didn't it leave you blind? Didn't it put you in a wheel chair?
Weren't you in need of constant care? wasn't there endless pain?

My arm was numb and "heavy" for 6 months after that day. I found myself
in a deep depression. I don't know whether it was the diagnoses or the
disease itself which made me depressed, but I wanted to end my life
on a daily basis. My heart felt as numb as my limbs.

I did all I could to learn about MS and what it meant to me. I was
comforted and terrified all at once. I knew that medicine would slow
down the progression of the disease, but I knew that slowing it down
didn't mean it wasn't still marching on. It was leaving scars in my brain
and lesions in my spinal cord. I saw my future in a different light, and for a
while doubted whether my dream of motherhood would ever come true.

Everyone around me changed as well.
At moments I was heralded as strong Christian who was facing her
Affiliation with bravery, faith  and courage
Other moments treated as a frail paper doll who could break at any moment.
I was ordered not to lift, or carry things if other could do it for me
Told to say home and rest...even if I felt perfectly fine
Or others deeply looked into my eyes with sorrow, as if I was given a
death sentence.
Mostly though, I was given blank stares as people sheepishly admitted
they knew nothing of the disease, although they donated money for a walk
one time.

Well since then, I've become very educated about MS.
I no longer fear the same things, at least not to the same degree.
While the course of my life has been altered by MS, I am not
defined by my MS.

I continue to dream about being a mom, owning a home, and working
for as long as I choose.  These are dreams I wont give up on, and MS
can't steal... at least not with out a fight :)

baby steps to baby steps

I went to the doctor today.

Not just any doctor, but the DUNT DUNT DUHH Neurologist!

It's always scary for me, cause I never know what she is gonna say.

Today we discussed getting off my medication so that I can try to get pregnant.

You see, no medication used to slow MS down is approved for pregnant woman.

The medicine I'm on right now called "Gilenya" has shown to cause heart defects

in the fetus of rats and rabbits.  Yeah so not exactly the type of stuff you want

swimming in your bloodstream while a baby rents space in your tummy.

That being said, the visit went well. My MS is under control.

I just pray my health continues to stay stable, relapses S-U-C-K.